What is UP with this?

**Fair warning: long, whiny, bitchy post**

My "best friend" of 17 years and I stopped talking about 3 months ago.  Ever since I moved to Seattle, our phone conversations were all about her and her problems, how unsupportive and unhurtful her friends are, and all this drama going on in her life.  Don't get me wrong, she really did have big problems going on, and I genuinely cared, so I listened to the same stories over and over again, only teling her what I could (which was, a lot of the time, not what she wanted to hear).  Then, I bring up an issue in my life and she jumps all over me with advice and "here's how to fix it" so we can move on to talking about HER again.  I tell her this is hard for me, that I wasn't looking for advice so much as I was looking for her to listen.  She FLIPPED OUT and told me that I was a bad friend, her friends were better and "What was the point of our friendship" now that we live 1300 miles apart.  Fuck that, I said.  So, we're not friends.  Glad I'm so disposable, thanks.

Another friend in Colorado gets mad if we don't see each other when I'm in town for the 4-5 days I am over Christmas (I do have a job and what I thought was a life in Seattle, you know...).  She'll bitchily suggest that I call her to "keep in touch" - yet, does she EVER call me?  Does she even acknowledge my birthday (I at least rememer a text if not a call on hers!)  So glad she's allowed to "justifiably" get upset at me when she is even worse at keeping in touch!

I've got this other friend who told me about this group at SPU that sounds interesting.  It's late at night, though, and I don't feel safe riding the bus by myself (and then walking home from the stop).  She offered to check about rides...two months ago and NEVER got back to me.  Gotta love the follow-through!

I've e-mailed about seeing how to connect with other transfer students to now three different people - adults in charge of MINISTRY and STUDENT COMMUNITY programs!!!.  Not one response.  If that's your job, you should not fucking be too busy to answer those kinds of e-mails!!!  Thanks, glad you really mean you're talk about "community," SPU.

Another close relationship of mine is threatened whenever difficult things happen.  I can't help it - I cry, and that's not going to change.  It triggers this monster, though, that says cold, hurtful, blaming things.  Every time.  And then, when I say that space is necessary, this person asks ME for reassurance.  Wow - glad my feelings matter!

I have e-mailed the members of home group because my grandmother - you know, the one who just lost er husband of 57 years this pats Christmas - to see if people wanted to get together.  People KNOW how hard Pop's death is for me, and how much I love my grandparents, and only one person responded.  The rest couldn't be bothered to take time out of their busy schedules to do something nice for one of their own: hang out with a dear, sweet lady who is 83 and probably won't make it back to Seattle.  If THAT is called "support", then I need something else because to me, that's crap.

A mentor occasionally (not necessarily unpredictably, but rather irregularly) flips out at me for e-mails I send.  The problem, I think, is that he, like many others I know, makes them about him and then it becomes about working out our issues" instead of how I'm feeling.  He blames me for "sabotaging my relationships" when  I have been told on more than one occasion that it is amazing how I reach out for connection and how much I seek true relationships.  He gets mad at "not seeing the support around me" - specifically, in this case, what he has offered me.  The problem is, telling me I'm a writer and it's "who I am" over and over and over again without helping me figure out what to DO with/about that is NOT support.  It's affirmation - necessary, but no where near sufficient enough.  Also, how is not following up after the hardest week of my life without so much of an e-mail as "how is school?" (they were "busy", as usual), not coming up and giving me a hug in church when you do that with SO many others, suggesting times to meet but not following up for months at a time (or at all, in some cases), and not calling back AT ALL after I leave a message that my grandfather DIED (because he thought I was "being taken care of by family" or something ridicluous if he'd been HEARING the stories I have been telling him for the last 2 years about my family who has NEVER been able/wiling to take care of me, why would they start now?) is.  Not.  Support.  Whatever else you offer, if you don't call back when someone DIES, can't find the time to make sure I'm "OK" after a week of pure hell (which you knew about because most of it happened at your house), how the fuck am I supposed to feel supported?  Apparently, though, I'm just too needy.

I had two beautiful roommates where I felt "at home".  We had house meetings, we (though mostly I) pursued relationship by calling "house meetings" where we'd get together and only spend the first 10 minutes talking about business.  The rest was fun time.  Now, they've both moved out and on, and it's like I'm in exile in my own home.  I can't go to these people if I need prayer (yes, I'm Christian), or to talk about a struggle I'm having.  And so far, few people in my "community" have really noticed, even though I've mentioned that this is hard  All my pastor has been able to say is, "Yeah, you're in a hard context.  Seattle is, for whatever reason, a hard place to make friends."  Thanks.  So, essentially, "You're on your own, kid."  Good thing I'm used to that!

They just assume I'm strong enough, they don't take me seriously - or else they blame me for doing something to sabotage the relationships I have.  I don't see the good things I have becuase I'm Miss "Megativity" - but of course!  Love is all around me, it's just about my failure to receive it!!  I'm just complaining, I'm just ungrateful.  And really, it's not about what I need at all - it's not about needing to be pursued or fought for - I am this endless supply of connective energy who can keep reaching out and reaching out with little input.  Because that's what "healed" people can do.

I have this other friend who thinks I'm a dangerous person because I spoke out against his relationship.  He abruptly stopped talking to me, wouldn't tell me why, and won't correct his girlfriend's opinions of why he did that - he will talk to me for just long enough to correct me, though, because he apparently still has any authority to speak into my life at all!  He (and I have another friend who does this, too) assumes that my behavior - my needs, my words, my hopes - all come from "wounds" I've received as a kid, and that they'll all change once I'm "more healed."  For now, I'm "too broken" to receive any love from - like I've got nothing to offer.  I'm fucking sick of being pigeon-holed into a shriveled, atrophied human being who only acts and needs out of wounds instead of a true, genuine ACTUAL heart.

I invited a friend over to cook with me for dinner.  No follow-up effort to continue the friendship.  Perhaps she's "too busy."

I went on a mini road-trip with another friend at her invitation.  I was SO excited that someone FINALLY initiated something with me.  That was two months ago and we haven't really talked since.  So, evidently I WAS "just along for the ride."

I called another friend about going to visit this really cool church we both used to go to a while ago.  She said, "I can't this week, but maybe some time in the future."  You'd think she'd maybe remember to call when she went?

I've got more examples, amazingly enough, but I think you get the idea.  I could use names but I've been bitched out for that, and have been told that some are not comfortable with my sharing about our ups-and-downs here.  So, I'm trying to respect these requests.  These people don't seem to understand, though, that, though they may have other "real life" friends, I actually don't so much....I need to talk about difficulties, too, and don't have the privilege of a close relationship, or awesome roommates, or best friends, because mine all abandon me (especially, it seems, when things get tough).

So, I don't know what the fuck to do.  I am the common denominator in all those situations, and I'm damn tired of being blamed for things that aren't my fault, for going without what I deeply need and for seeing it handed to others around me.  Am I actually doing something wrong?  I know I've got issues, I'm not claiming perfection, but should I just really not expect anything from anyone?  Is it just me?  Am I somehow more easily rejectable than others?  Am I too much (bad thing) and not enough (good thing).  If I'm so "amazing," how come I keep getting treated this way?  How come it is so easy for people to blame/take NO responsibility for how they hurt me/walk away (becuase the "best thing" anyone could ever do is stop hurting me and the way to accomplish that is to walk away or call someone else to deal with the mess YOU'VE made!).  I'm SICK of only receiving messages that it's my fault, that I'm "just really hurt" and once I feel better, things will get better - oh yeah?  How am I going to feel better if I am treated no better than a piece of dog shit?!  I know!  All I have to do is change my mind!  I just have to BELIEVE that I'm loved because that's enough!  Fuck that.

I know I've only got two more quarters, but how can I just "suck it up" here?  Do I exchange my emotional well-being, longing for connection, healing and friendship for a fucking piece of paper (which is really just more "stuff" for me)?  And yet, this sort of thing is a pattern in my life.  It doesn't seem to matter where I go.  It may "wise" to get that degree because of all the doors it will open for me - yeah, all the doors to participate in a society where it increasingly more and more about the individual and how much crap he can consume for himself and his "loved ones" (which include a smaller and smaller number of people) and not community, dependability (on self and others), and love. 

I don't want to play anymore.  But, I can't just wish or anger or rant my needs away.  Unless, maybe they just don't matter and all this is SUPPOSED to be happening.

Coming Together

Due to the brilliance sparked by Sally's post (and the 100 or so ensuing comments), I have been doing some thinking about how all this could come together. 

We want to do a "PNNer publication of some kind", right?  I think it's important to have at least some kind of focus or organizing principle, at least eventually, though perhaps not initially. 

One option is to just write and collaborate and post and wait to see if a them/topic/organizing principle emerges.

Another is the age-platform thing.  I hear the dissenters on this, but I, for one, LOVE the age idea - it woudl be out of date, except that we could use the age platform as a way to break the age stereotype.  As in, it only pigeon-holes you in you let it.  I have never "acted my age" or fit in with people my age (I've always been mistaken for a lot older, and not because of how I look), and I think it would a great way to show people that "age" really is an illusion.

That being said, there are other ideas.  We could do a theme, or a collection of themes: anger, love, motherhood, community, etc.

We could do an anthology of sorts, a collection of short stories, a collection of poetry, a collection of memoirs, etc. or a collection of collections.

We could organize in terms of region - that might be a kind of fun sociological experiment.

To be quirky and intriguing, we could organize in terms of a common personality trait: flashy, hyper, quiet, sensitive, etc.  I realize that people obviously have more than one, even more than one dominant one, but it could be fun just to see what all the self-proclaimed "sensitive" ones write about!

Other ideas/thoughts/objections?

Speaking of being vulnerable...

I admit it. This is hard for me.  This is really hard.  I love Annie's writing.  And I have the same dreams.  (And - I know - I'm just a kid...a whiny, little one at that).  So, I guess you could say I'm jealous.  I'm sorry.  I know it's not ok and I want to be supportive.

It's hard to do when you've not received it in your own life for yourself.  In my "real" life, I've not only been most ignored or ridiculed for what I do as a "writer", but I've also been blamed for not "recieving" support.  First of all, telling me I'm a writer is not support, it's affirmation (necessary but not sufficient).  Not doing anything about it or helping me do anything about it - like, answering my e-mails with questions I have for a book I want to write (after about 12 tries and a year of "I'll get back to you's"), giving me information you said you would (because I thought you were excited, too), etc. (I never dreamed people would get together and do something like what you all are doing for Annie) - is not "supportive."  And it's not my fault that that is not enough.  What you guys are doing for Annie is supportive.  And I've never had it.  Perhaps it's because I'm not really that great of a writer, but I don't understand it.  I believe in God: if people tell me that is "who God made me" - why would God waste His time making something that sucks? 

(Also, if you can't call me back after you get a message that my grandfather DIED (as in, first time in my adult life I've had to deal with the death of dearly, dearly, dearly DEARLY loved one) because you "think I'm being taken care of because I was with my family" 1) you haven't been listening to a damn thing I've been telling you about my family for the past two or three years and 2) being supportive would be calling anyway?  I mean, I left you a message that someone DIED.  Dead.  Gone.  Not sick.  Dead.  If I got a message like that, I don't care who it was or what I "thought" they were doing, I'd at least call and leave a fucking message to acknowledge their pain, even if I didn't "have time" to talk.  Not to mention the other times where follow-up was NEEDED and not given, not even without my initiative.  [I'm fucking tired of being the ONLY one in my life to take initiative on a regular basis.  I need to feel wanted, too!!]  So YEAH just telling me I'm a writer and "it's who I am" over and over again isn't fucking enough.  And I'm tired of being blamed for that,"

Maybe my perceptions are fucked, but I'm really tired of feeling like everything is my fault.  Yes, I am responsible for my feelings, but I also have NEVER had the sense of support and community like Annie does in you guys.  It's amazing.  Amazing, ladies.  Yeah, she's a better writer than me.  But there are others who have dreams, too.  And perhaps I'm just working too hard, but if I stopped, people would forget about me.  I can't help how I feel, and I need to talk about without being labelled ungrateful/blind, or without people blowing up and me, threatening the relationship they have with me.  I can't heal if I can't be honest.  

Speaking of healing, these words from Sally's post are painfully true:

Women Need To - laugh, cry, vent, suuport, find purpose, heal, love. From my time here at PNN - I have yet to read a post that could not fit into one of those categories.

I need it, too.  I love this community, but I also am wary of entrusting myself completely to it.  I know I've got an issue with trust in general, but I have been attacked, sent hate mail and slammed here, too.  Not that I haven't done what was perceived as that (though it wasn't ever my intention, but I'm sorry if my opinions are "offensive", at least I don't send hate mail, and yes, I should just let it go).  I need ALL those things listed above, especially the second (cry), and there isn't a place in my live life that's safe enough.  And, I can't talk about it there, because people just get mad about I don't "receive" any of their "support" and make it about THEM when that is SO not what I need.  I know, I know, here I am making something about someone else for me, but I have no other venue to talk about it in.  Most of the outlets in my life have proven unsafe.  I'll tell you one thing, though, "support" and "love" are not lip service.  It's not talk.  It's action.

Annie's really up!!

Let me direct you to this COOL NEW THING that's happening!! :-) 

In with the Old, Out with the New

Sally G's thinker got spun interestingly in my head:

In many ways, we are all children of the culture.  We get our food from grocery stores, we treat out co-workers better than our children and we rely heavily on appearance for self esteem boosts..  Even when we know what such things as consumerism and industry do not just to our only planet, but to our own souls, we persist.  We are addicted to things that are killing us and those around us.  For example, cancer is no mysterious thing, we do know what causes it - polluted air, contaminated water, perverted food...all things that we as humans have collective control over.  And yet, innocent people dying (as in, those who do not smoke, make an effort to stay away from smoke, and live healthily by all means they can) of cancer is not enough to get us to think of more creative ways to fill our needs and gratify our wants.  When we get pneumonia from smoking and are hospitalized for a week, unsure if we'll make it out, why does the "I'll never smoke again" last only a month?  When a partner in relationship is abusive (intentionally left unmodified), why do we balk at "strapping on a spine" and cutting loose?

I don't want to knock the hope for change, the commend-ability of loyalty or the noble-ness of sticking out tough things, but I'm not talking about things that are hard because they are hard.  There are a couple reasons why things are hard: either because you are trying to do something hard or because you shouldn't be doing it.  School can be hard, and that's ok, that can be a good thing.  But I'm talking about the things that are killing us.

We are so addicted to the Old - the comfortable-because-it's-familiar, the routine, the life we've managed to carve out for ourselves, that we cannot make room - sacrifice, go through some pain and uncertainty - to welcome the New.  A reading assignment for one of my classes says, "Our culture can implement almost anything and imagine almost nothing."  Think of all the resistance people doing good things got: there were multiple attempts on Martin Luther King Jr.'s life, JFK was actually assassinated, it took a group of women multiple tries and multiple years just to earn us the right to vote, etc.  (I could make an extensive list here, but my agenda lies elsewhere).

Sure it's scary, sure it's uncertain, sure it's got the potential to fail colossally, but, on at least a cultural level, there doesn't appear to be much that's "working" anyway.  I mean, you know something's wrong with mainstream America when people CHOOSE to live in tent cities (I'm not making assumptions, I actually know a guy who did this) instead of participating in "normal" culture, when Iraqi soldiers would rather be there (Baghdad - you know, the place with the random car bombs that kill innocent civilians on a fairly regular, yet still not discernible, basis) than here (yes, I've got a friend who is going back there next month voluntarily after having served for 18 months), and when people can tell where you're from based on how kind you are.  The American Way is clearly corrupt.

And, on a personal level, the old patterns of behavior that cause that same relational fight are just as diseased.  The ways of thinking about oneself, the tape playing on your head (we've all got one)...well, you get to choose the channel.  Even the ways we talk - "I've GOT to do this today."  "I desperately need a new pair of heels."  "I'll just die without that cute new purse."  This Way, the Old way, is clearly corrupt.

It's hard, because the old thing - the thing that is killing you whether it be alcohol or shopping (yes I said it: there is NO SUCH THING as 'retail therapy') - must die completely.  You can't sometimes shoot up heroine when you're trying to be clean, you've got to stop all use of it, and all associations with it's culture: as in, that addiction must be put to death.  The old way, the comfortable, cozy way must die so that more innocent people, more dreams and more hopes don't have to.

Thinking about Death

Not to point fingers - because I was already rather preoccupied with it - but Annie stirred up my thoughts/fears/struggles/questions about death.  And then, as if divienly appointed, I stumbled upon another post that pushed me to think further.

Death is, for me, at once a painful and looking-forward-to thing. Maybe I just don't understand it.  But, IF there is a "better place" we all go to to live forever together, then, honestly, I can't wait.  This world is passing away, and rather violently, too.  I just read a post about child suicide.  Nuff' said there, I think.

But, if there isn't any of that sort of thing (and it's sometimes hard for me to believe there is), then, when loved ones die, they're really gone forever.  And that is so hard to face, having lost my beloved, they-don't-make-men-like-him-anymore grandfather last Christmas.  How can he be gone when he's so alive in my memory?  Can he really just ceased to have exist?  What IS death, after all?

We Christians are supposed to believe it is grace.  We now will not live forever in a state pf perpetual sin and pain.  But, there's something more here.  I can accept that gift, I can even appreciate it.  But, for one - why continue the "earth" project at all?  (I know, this is really "beef for the king").  Beyond that, though, is there anything we can do that death does not undo?  How meaningful is life, really, if we only get a few short years to make a difference and most are not able - very understandably - to find enough healing to create or find meaningfulness?

It's a very deep struggle I've been having, that started with the "Where do we go when we die?" question but has (obviously) moved beyond that now.

Eight Point Three Percent

Yes, another "Christian" story - but again, used for a typology:

I was at a big Christian conference on Monday night with Mark.  Before they collected the offering, they made this big deal about giving money, how it's the "Good Christian thing to do," etc. which I was not only offended by (manipulation can be a huge problem at these events, as a Christian writer says, "It is your good heart that will get you to do things you shouldn't be doing"), but entirely sick of.  It is for this reason that I am starting to think twice about going to otherwise amazing events and no, it's not because I'm "stingy".  (And, even if I were, it's none of their business to "change my heart"). 

Anyway, so this guy gets up after the pastor (who spent forty-five minutes telling us that Jesus apparently says in the Bible that you're wicked if all you do is tithe!) and says that he only "sows into" the best.  In the bible, there is a story about four kinds of soil, and only one kind produces fruit (so, 25% of the soil).  Of that soil, you could either get a 30-, 60-, or 100-fold increase in crop (so 8.3% of the soil produces 100-fold).

Not only is this cheesy, but it's offensive.  This is reflective of the mentality that, not only do we want the best for ourselves, but we think we somehow deserve it.  And that's why so many others in the world go without.  Because of all the adveritsing and culturing of the "you deserve it" mentality, people see luxury items as a necessity, and don't think twice about buying/eating/wearing/using things that most people have never and will never see in themr lifetime.

But also, maybe the reason that some of the ministries "didn't make the cut" of being the best of the best is because of that mentality.  Maybe all they need a little extra support to be in that "top 8.3%."

We operate like this in real life: everyone needs life and friendship, but we have all these "reasons" for picking and choosing carefully who we interact with.  Not that we should put up with being treated like crap, but seriously, it's out of control.  I was on the bus yesterday, and this girl sitting next to me was beating herself up - every aspect of herself - in explanation of why she had to go home before she could meet up with her SAME SEX friend: "My hair needs to be brushed...like, it's always so ratty, I hate my hair.  I want to at least put some mascara on, GOD my eyelashes are so freakin' albino.  And I really, desperately need to cover up my zits on my oil-lake face."  I sneak a peak at the lady talking, and I saw a beautiful girl who couldn't have been more than 13.  I could MAYBE understand if she was getting ready for a date, but she was going to a coffee shop with her friend.  It really saddened me.

The only reason we have gotten away with this "me first and I deserve only the best" lifestyle is because we have the power to do so.  We don't even really have the resources, but we are powerful enough to take them from others.  Who said we deserve the best of the best?  If we do, it's because everyone does, not because we are somehow more special than others.  We have no right to demand "the best" all the time.  It's not only offensive to think that way, but it's literally destroying people's lives (here and all around).

"We only get what we Give'

I have noticed parents teaching their children the benefits of sharing:  "Well, when his turn is over, it will be YOUR turn!"  I have seen people asking how much of a tax donation they will get will donating to charities, and deciding on where to donate because of how much of a break they'll get (now, I don't really understand all of this, but apparently, there are "levels" of tax breaks one can get depending on the kind of charity...?).  I have overheard conversations about the short term mission trips people take, saying the best part was what "they got out of the experience."  (I have other thoughts on short-term missions, but those are for another time...).  A New Philsophy has noticed stuff like this, too.

I'll admit I've done this, too.  I visited a Tent City in my area for my internship yesterday; the trip was optional and I wanted to go "so I could learn and gain the experience."  On Tuesday night, Mark and I stopped to talked to a homeless girl with her dog for about 45 minutes, and I "felt good about myself" afterward.

The rampant perpetuation of the idea that "giving is to get" is, in actuality, sick.  It objectifies the poor and suffering of the world as a means to enrich one's own experience of life, or make one feel better about oneself.  It turns "giving to the poor" into something to be checked off a to-do list.  And, it corrupts the definition of giving.

Which is, of course, tricky.  The very act of giving presupposes you have something to give.  And this has spun numerous harmful "us and them" conversations ("us" being, we think, those who have money - and thus power - and "them" being 'the poor'.).  But giving is giving of the self, not just money, not just time, but self.  THIS is why we love ourselves, not to exalt ourselves, beautiful as we are, to the place of worship, but so that we know what we are giving away when we manage to truly, from-the-heart, give. 

While it may be true that we only get what we give, I think it's sick that getting would ever be a motivation for it.  We can only give what we have, which is why it is important to love the heart you've been handed, but not beyond what that heart is: a beautiful yet broken, dark place with the capacity for love and a deep need for healing.  "Self love" is never, ever about the accumulation of wealth, the grasping after status and recognition or even the cultivation of feeling safe (which is what most consumers are really after), but knowing that self you are enough to pour it out into your little niche of the world.  Anything less wastes the delicate creation that a soul is.

By the way, the homeless girl with the dog didn't actually ask us for money: she remembered meeting Mark before (from over a year ago) and, as we were sitting down for a conversation, she continued decorating her sign, and offered US some food and stories of her experiences on the streets.  Apparently, most people are more than willing to offer food to her dog, but quickly put their money away when she says that he just ate.  She said that she wasn't going to lie at the expense of her dog - whom she takes very good care of - and say that she neglected him just so she could get food. 

Oh, and the guy we talked to at Tent City #3?  This guy is smarter than I am, more well-read and a well-respected leader in that community.  He offered me an "in take" packet for information and, upon reading the community's constitution, rules of the camp and punishments for any violations, I have to say that I'd feel safer leaving my kids (if I had any) there than in my current neighborhood.  Upon hearing the way the community makes decisions (about where to move to after their three months at the current location are up, who gets to represent them at city meetings, etc.), I have to say I'd feel "freer" there than I do in mainstream America.

To the Future..and beyond?

One of A New Philosophy's recent posts and following comments made me think about the future.  One of the comments celebrates the "living-in-the-moment" happiness that can be found in the freedom of schedule after being laid off.  It really got me thinking.

I have never been one of those people who could simply "live in the moment."  Wherever I was, my mind was racing off to the next thing, and even now, I struggle with wanting to be where I am (at the expense of being where I want).  I am, it seems, always waiting for whatever I'm doing to finish up so that I can be on to the next thing.  And it really drives me crazy, because I often find myself looking back with a painful sort of nostalgia at the time gone by and, surprisingly, really missing the thing I hated in the moment.  I think what I regret most is my inability to love the moment when I have it becuase I'm too busy either looking back or complaining about how my current situation doesn't fit my dream and so am unhappy.  (I used to actually have someone call my "Megativitiy"...ouch).

Perhaps not too ironically, though, I am impulsive.  If I don't like my situation, it's hard for me to stay in it.  I moved to Seattle from Colorado within a week of getting the idea.  I enrolled in college and went into debt without thinking much about it.  Etcetera.  Apparently, I am chasing "the moment" everyone talks about living in - for it really is all we have - despite my forward looking to dreams yet realized.  When I say "the future does not exist", I am not being dark, doom-and-gloom.  I am simply saying that "the future" is still an infinite number of possibilities (both good and bad) that, because it has not occured, does not exist.

While there is something to be said for "future planning," I wonder if it is more a cultural thing than it is a good idea.a  I wonder if we are paying for a proverbial, hypothetical - and nonexistant "future" - with our present.  After all, even though history does indeed repeat itself, we still can predict the future about as well as we can predict the weather (and these are about the only people I know of that can be wrong 95% of the time and still keep their job...).  And really, "the now" is all we have.  I read another recent post about the delicacy of our time on earth which just brings that home: life is short.  Too short, perhaps, to spend it on a future that does not exist.

Attention Deficit Disorder

I've often heard adults dismiss children's acting out as "just wanting attention", as if this is a viable excuse to ignore the child's behavior and continue with what they are doing.

I have been criticzed (here and elsewhere) of "just wanting attention".  I have even been criticized for "not being loved enough as a child" and that is why I act the way I do.

Honestly, that makes no sense to me.  First of all, it's not my fault I did not get (in nearly any way) what I needed as a child.  Second, YES I want attention.  You do, too.  Everyone does.  Because we were made for it.  As human beings, we are all worthy of it.  We were made to give and receive it, to love and be loved.  Children "act out" becuase they don't know how to express their need for affection and, while there is something to be said for positive reinforcement, one shouldn't ever ignore a child.

Or an adult for that matter.  It's not like we grow out of this desire/need.  Our culture tells us that being independent (that is, not needing anyone for anything ever) is the "goal" of growing up, and it's killing us.  Even if you love yourself (which I'm willing to bet is a deep struggle for most of us if we are truly honest about it), it's not enough.  Loneliness is rampant and love does not exist in a vacuum.