The rest of the Story

Apparently, I need to be clearer.  I knew this site was a dangerous move, but here we go:

In this section of my blog, I am NOT telling you what you should believe, and have absolutely NO intention of doing so.  I am telling you what I believe and my wrestlings with that.  I will not be so presumptuous as to tell you what the absolute truth is, or that you're bad and wrong for disagreeing.  I do realize there are other religions and belief systems out there.  This page is for what I believe and the musings here are simply reflections upon struggles I have had, am currently having, or anticipate having, of a becoming Christian with the following assumptions/beliefs/starting points:

1) The God I believe in is the God of the Christian Bible (without the apocrypha).  Jesus the Christ is God's only begotten son, conceived of the Spirit, born of the Virgin, died, descended, and rose again to sit at the Right Hand of the Father.  Your basic Christian beliefs.

2) God spoke to people in the Bible, healed the sick and raised the dead.  I do not take the Bible to be an anomole but an example of how God treats God's children.

3) God is neither male nor female but because of our limits bounded in language, references to God will be gendered.  (It really just sounds better than saying "it" or repeating "God" too much)

4) I am not trying to convert or convince anyone of my beliefs.  I am not trying to preach.  I am simply a theology student with "stuff" to figure out from the things I am learning in these classes and am offering my thoughts in case there are others out there who feel the same.

       a) I'm not sure at all how these writings could be misconstrued as "down the throat" preaching - I am, after all, questioning God and wrestling with my own beliefs.  I don't see how I could possibly, then, be telling anyone ELSE what to believe!

5) I am open to debate about the issues I bring up, and even about the existence of this God with whom I wrestle, but my point is not to change anyone's mind.  That is the Lord's job and not mine.  If it bothers you, don't read it: it's clearly not for you, and I'm ok with that.  I am not going to abandon my writing on this, though.

Pray

Most of my friends are engaged.  Their men MEANT it when they said "I want to marry you."  Or, they're recently married.  And it appears that their husbands actually do understand the words "love, honor and cherish" because they really DO believe their wives are "precious."  (I know, it's the sin of envy, but all I've ever gotten are inconsistent words, non-persistent/thorough actions lies and apologies...and I'm just weary).

Most of my homework remains undone.  What good is knowledge without love - both experientially and vocationally?  (Yes, I would say I'm still fairly 'new' to this Christian thing, I need to remember that in my studies of theology...).

Most of my spiritual healing/advancement comes slowly, in a one-step-forward-two-back way.

Sometimes, the only thing that works is really accurate words from God communicated in LOVE.

Sometimes, the only thing that works is when others embrace you in prayer.

Sometimes, the only thing that works is when your prof. cancels class twice in a row during the 3rd-to-last week before finals so you have time to get caught up on your short story contest, your Seminary applications, oh yeah, and your homework.  Not that I like illness (esp. at my prof's age!), but wow I needed a break.

Sometimes, the only thing that works is when something actually happens when you pray.

Good Christians

Prayer is a good thing, but not when it used as a way to avoid dealing with someone, for whom you're responsible, when they're upset.

Unity is good, but peace at the expense of justice is no peace at all.

Being a "Good Christian" at the expense of someone else, or what you've claimed to be a meaningful relationship in your life is doing the exact opposite of being a good Christian. 

Being a "Good Christian" is not an excuse to be invokved when you've treated someone poorly/disregarded their pain (that YOU have caused).

You cannot disregard the woman you want to marry for another (single) woman in the church and give the reasoning, "Well, you (girl I want to marry) wouldn't want me to disregard the body (the church) would you?"  Great way to make someone feel guilty for their personal needs and feelings, throw in a little church talk!

You cannot say you want to "rebuild trust" after joining hands with your fellower betrayer in prayer because "she's Christian, too" if you've mostly only ever used that reasoning to excuse your hurtful behavior in a relationship you SAY you want to "rebuild."

You don't get to point out where I'm being disrespectful when you're not addressing your own dishonoring behavior.

And you especially don't get to tell me that "Good Christian" bullshit when you've destroyed me (smashed me as they smash stones in the bible without so much as a 2nd thought to the PERSON - yes PERSON - you're doing that to) in the name of God.

THIS is why people are leaving the church.  This is why people are rejecting the Christian God.  THIS is why people are opting for just being "good people," because look what "good Christians" do, apparently.  They abandon friendships and relationships in God's name (in other words, they remove all "distractions" from being closer to God because apparently PEOPLE are distractions), they disregard the hurt they've caused because "Good Christians" would do that in the name of "reconciliation, they pray 24/7 regardless of who's hurting around them, they praise God for "doing it all" without a second thought to how THEY might be responsible since it's "all God" anyway, they sing songs like "You give and take away" to theologize loss/evil to prove how responsible they don't have to be....the list goes on.

I said "they", but I am Christian, too.  I claim to be good.  At least, I claim to want to be good.  And, I'm sick of what is being shown as examples of "Good Christians."  I don't pretend to know how to fix it, I don't pretend I haven't done some of those things, and I'm disgusted with myself.  I'm also disgusted that I've allowed myself and others to be treated horribly in the name of the God I claim to worship.  I'm disgusted at my accomplice in all of this.  Lord, have mercy...we do not know what we do.

Love

It is not enough to "know" you screwed up.  It is not enough to tell everyone about it to prove your contrition.  Neither guilt nor shame nor contrition equal love.  Neither does possessiveness, or territorial-ness.  (Nor does taking pride in the fact that you can care for someone's basic needs the way they can care for themselves...).  It is not enough to apologize or "want" to do better.  It only matters if you actually DO better.  Wants are invisible.  It is action that changes - makes or break - a person's heart.  It's not enough to talk about what you did wrong when talking (aka 'sentimental gush') without action is what is wrong in the first place:

From Phiippians..."So this is my prayer: That your love will florish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelingsso that your love is sincereand intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone invovled in th glory and praise of God."

How long, God, until You fulfill Your word to me?

The reason God, in the very beginning (Genesis), said God's self that "it is bad to be alone" (while God was standing RIGHT NEXT TO ADAM!!) is because there are things we cannot do for ourselves, things that we need others for:

From Ecclesiastes 4: 10-12..."If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.  But how can one keep warm alone?Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is notquickly broken."

When, O Lord, will You make good on your promises to me?

"Love one another" appears SO many times in the Bible I lost count at 84.  It's not this little idea - it is throughout the WHOLE bible..."The world will believe by the love you have for one another" (John 13:35): no wonder we have an unbelieving world...

A friend once gave me a reason for studying theology: "The world needs good theologians to protect it from bad ones."  So, yeah, breaking up with someone in the name of God (for personal piety, for individual holiness, to "smash the idol") = BAD theology.  "God gives and takes away" (especially the gifts God God's self gives!) = bad theology.  (This is why Paul commands us to love INTELLIGENTLY!!!)  In fact, God seems to care more about horizontal relationships (the relationships between one another) than God does with vertical ones (our relationship to God):

From Matthew 5:23..."Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, ²⁴leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift."

Will I ever, Father, not have to ask for everything little thing?

The purposeful Questioner

I have started - slowly - to realize the purpose of this section.  Before, I thought it was simply because I needed space to rant, and was unable to really find that place elsewhere in life.  But, my schooling, internshipping and daily lifeing have sort of come together in a rather symphonious (yes, I do realize that's not a word) coagulate that is this text-box morsel.

Just as Mother Teresa's struggle was a sign of Christ sharing with her his passion - she was living the mystery and Passion of Calvary - so, too, does God share suffering with us.  There must be some realy deep meaning that I haven't figured out yet, but suffering does not always equal the absence of God.

Also, today my internship superviser was pointing out all the places in the Bible where people argue and wrestle with God.  The point of life here is intimacy with God, and those that wrestle are engaged, are thinking, are constantly going back to God.  If you are close with someone, you are going to argue, and in some cases, it is good that you do.

I used to feel bad for not being able to adopt the "God is always right" mentality - it was just never enough for me.  I needed more, and, though I can't say I feel God by my side every second - or even a lot, really - and even though I'm never sure I hear His voice (or not), perhaps God isn't as far away or as angry and punishing me as I thought.

So, here's to wrestling!