Story

Apparently, he'd "looked at rings."  He'd was thinking more about what one I'd want (interesting how his roommate DESIGNED the perfect one for his fiancee and kept it a secret for 5 months!!...).  He talked to our pastors about it.  Yeah, he was carefully considering stuff.  Still, though, no "specific plans."  Because "I want to marry you" is only stating an INTENTION - and we all know how powerful those are - it's not an ACTUAL proposal.

But then, when breaking up, he didn't carefully consider any of it.  He "tried to call our pastor."  But, when he didn't ask, there was no waiting.  Of course, he knows what he did was wrong, but the chances he keeps asking for are filled with inconsistency, contradiction, fear-based behavior and simply thoughtlessness.

Why would you persist in saying all these wonderful things about wanting to be with me, wanting to share life and resources with me, etc. if you can't be considerate enough to think about ways to "rebuild trust" that would be meaningful to ME?  WHY?

There can't be any mystery or getting to know me by being in relationship - he just won't get it.  But, he refuses to learn when I'm explicit.  I keep thinking "this time" will be the time he'll finally get what I've been saying, he'll FINALLY understand, and it never comes.  Things were enough SO different this time I was simply waiting for the proposal.  And instead, I'm "getting in the way of his relationship with God", and not worth so much as a second thought.  And yet, the wonderful (now completely meaningless) words persist.  (Oh, except he did, basically, take back what he said about wanting to marry me...he said he shouldn't have said it when he did: "It's true, it was true then, it's true now, but I shouldn't have said if I didn't have a ring."  No shit).

It seems as though I have two options.  I can forgive and wait for this guy to figure shit out (which is OBVIOUSLY going to be a long, long, long, long, long time) or I can forgive and move on.  Unforgiveness will kill me, but I sometimes feel lke hoping for any of my dreams to come true at all will, too...

"I want to Marry You"

I promise I'll stop dwelling on this soon.  I do really want to move on.  I just want to say that I'm glad I'm not the only one who would assume that a ring was coming very soon after someone tells you those words.  All the women I've talked to (and not all in my generation either!) wonder how in the world a man could say that to a woman without any such thing as a proposal planned...(and were appropriately horrified as the story of my recent life unfolded).

I was talking with a recently-engaged friend about it.  She said that not even when her fiancee had the ring (He apparently had it for months before -finally- proposing) did he say, "I want to marry you."  He was sensitive to, not only the element of surprise, but what goes on and off in a woman's heart when she hears that.  He would say, "I want to be with you" until the day he proposed.  And then, he ASKED.

Another friend was saying how those words, when said to her, meant that she had just been proposed to.  He said them.  She thought about, then said them back.  Their wedding is in July.

I told a woman in an older generation about this (before I told her of the break-up).  She asked if I liked my ring.

(I'd been slightly confused about wedding vs. engagement rings but I think I get it now: when people go "ring shopping", I think it's to pick out/design their wedding bands.  The engagement ring shopping/designing is for the man to do in secret as a surprise - and even, sometimes, wait for months!  Incredible!)

Ok, so I'm just glad that I wasn't being presumptuous.  Or, if I was, everyone else I know is, too...

Today, church was hard.

But, I got to talk to my mom.  I can hear those of you who know me going...."you say 'but wait' like it's a good thing."  And it is!  Here's why:

She's recently been e-mailing a request each weekend (that's when the minutes are free) to talk to me.  She's very gentle, but very persistent, in her pursuit to (finally!) have a relationship with me.  I've (finally) given in and, not only have I actually called her when I said I would now, I've stopped reciting "just the facts, ma'am" about my life so she'll stop and leave me alone.  And I don't think it's just because it's now clear that she WON'T 'just leave me alone.'  (Funny, God actually DOES answer prayers, even if they're half-assed).  I'd wanted her to just leave me alone because I believed it was not possible to have a relationship with my mother; I'd prayed a half-prayer over this summer for "something, maybe, to change with my relationship - or lack thereof - with my mother" and well...it DID.  And, it is.

Namely, I'm actually being myself.  I'm actually being honest.  And, I've learned a few things:

1) I told her that I've begun applying to Seminary (!!!) and that one of my "confirmations" of that move (no, it's not just 'cuz I'm tired of answering the what-to-do-after-graduation questions with "yeah, no idea") was my Women in Christianity class.  She proceeded to tell me a story of when I was still very young: her and a neighbor - we'll call her Lola - were talking about chuch.  Lola was really excited about her church and wanting my mom to come.  My mom refused, not only because she already had a church (they still attend, as do all the members of my family that live in that state...), but because Lola's church did not allow the ordination of women.  My mom said, "I just can't raise my daughters with that kind of role model."  Holy COW.  It's hard to explain, but I feel so much love from my mom, even now as I'm re-telling this.

2) I told my mom exactly what happened with Mark (he was going to come with me to visit family for Christmas [you know, the usual, make all these plans, talk all the talk, etc], and my sister saw the 'relationship status' change on facebook, so there'd been questions buzzing around my family):  Some person at our church - we'll call them Overstep - got a "word from God" that Mark was making me his god, and "you know what they do with idols in the Bible don't you? (implying, "Yes, you smash them"), and then proceeded to counsel Mark to break up with me to get closer to God (because it's totally about just you and God EVER!) but, "oh, don't feel guilty if you don't do it right away" (yes, that was what I was told Overstep actaully said...).  He then proceeded to "smash the stone" of me/our relationship (this was all a week ago and the impetus for the past couple of postings) in the name of God.  After I explained to him how horrible that theology is (if YOU want to break up with me because YOU have issues, fine, but don't blame it on God, I'm God's child, too, and, you know, God promised to give me the romantic desires of my heart anyway, so I'm pretty clear you're wrong), he realized that he "just did the studiest thing [he'd] ever done in [his] life."  He said all the right words about wanting me back, but then, couldn't even try to say goodbye when he was leaving the house I'm staying at (because he "didn't know if [I'd] come out of my room or not."  I see.  So I'm supposed to do ALL of this relationship, then?  Apparently, since he did't even follow me the TWO times I went after him!).  More happened but that was what I told my mom.  She said, 1) "I have a LOT of anger toward Overstep right now.  That was an incredibly arrogant thing to do.  And really, it's an abuse of power" (I'd told her that Overstep [you understand the name a bit more now, eh?] was a recongized prophet in our church) and 2) Sounds like Mark is incredibly confused and needs to get his priorities straight.  He might have issues with his relationship with God, but, if you've commited to someone, you'd then sacrifice other parts of your life to 'get right with God' or whatever he was trying to do in order to protect and preserve that relationship."  So, what just happened was that my mother stood up for me, called shit for what it was (a load of shit, basically) and validated my deep-heart desires and things I KNEW to be true about "I-want-to-marry-you" relationships.  Whoa.  Hey.

I also had a really good weekend with a friend who was visiting from out of town, and she'd said basically the smae thing.  She also relayed some information about the interactions Mark had told me about when he went to visit her and her husband in California, and you know, the stories don't match.  Now I'm even wondering what exactly Overstep even SAID (Overstep won't talk to me, though, which is incredibly suspicious and disrespectful, but it's ok because as soon as our pastor comes back from Asia - that is, if someone BESIDES ME (since I always have to follow-up/through with ANYTHING that's important to me...) - we're going to have a little chat about appropriate prophecy.  Although, on some level, it doesn't really matter what Overstep said.  In terms of my (ruined) relationship with Mark, it really only matters why he didn't listen, why he wasn't protecting our relationship, and why it was so easy for him to destroy my heart despite all the sentimental gush about it and his and ours...but maybe that's because it was jsut that.  Sentimental gush.

One of the things my friend said about "I want to marry you" relationships (yes, Mark had actually said this to me at one point when I was still in Europe this summer, over an instant message chat) was something this: you know, those words mean you've got a ring.  They may not 'logically' mean that, but they've GOT to know that that is what saying something like that emotionally means that.  It means you've got a ring, and plans are being made for a ceremony of the dreams of whoever the ring is for.  Interesting thoughts; they're only overstated if one of your hearts deepest desires isn't special surprises because that is a very important way you feel pursued...

Another interesting thought is that I stumbled upon a blog about another break-up today.  This lady has some interesting thoughts: There’s a great line in the Alanis Morrisette song, “You Live, You Learn,” in which she recommends “getting your heart trampled on to anyone.” It’s a good philosophy. Heartbreak can be an excellent impetus for change.  Normally, I'd agree with that - it makes logical, common and emotional sense, in fact, but you know, this is the THIRD time Mark has broken up with me; as in, he knows how it feels to be without me - it's, from what I've heard, unbearable, but I guess if you're willing to go through that (knowing how it feels!), to give it all up for God (including the gifts you know God gave you!) then it's worth it, as if there's something noble about sitting around in your pain (the longer, the nobler, too).

So, despite all the wonderful things he said, like "I'd follow you anywhere.  I'd pine over you and then, eventually I'd go,"/"I love you"/"I want to marry you" not to mention all these what I see now as simply gushy e-mails about my heart, my spirit, my eyes, etc., in less than an hour all that's gone and it's all about his personal holiness.  Probably, he forgot he even said most of those things.  I don't know how else you'd so easily listen to someone who's CLEARLY got issues (according to EVERY person I've talked to about this...) and clearly doesn't respect me (and never has; Overstep has NEVER seen me aright and Mark even pointed that out before I was aware of it).

This whole this is utterly stupid, and really, I should be done wasting time ranting about it.  I really do have important things in my life to do, like, apply to Seminary(s) and finish this quarter (three weeks till finals!) and appreciate the lovely friends I do have in my life - who made church a little easier this morning by giving me excuses to leave during the break (and buying me tea) and leave early after the service (by offering a ride 'wherever I'd like' - very appealing when it's been raining for what feels like years to me...but, that's ever-clinging residue from my stomping grounds, probably...).

Ok, sorry for yet another rant.  I think I should be about done now.

Pain

Have you ever had someone break up with you in the name of God?  Someone who tells you all these wonderful things every little girl's heart longs to hear, someone who tells you and everyone you know that he wants to marry you?  Someone who, for the last month, has been markedly different than the times you'd tried to have a relationship before?  Someone with whom you've been both near future (like trips to family since "it's very important to be with each others' family) and far future (talks about what you'd do "as a couple") plans?  Someone who can't stop calling you beautiful, who'se demonstrated commitment to you?  Someone with whom you've received postitive feedback and prayers in your community about the nature of your relationship?  Someone who coached his roommate through proposing to his girlfriend with the perfect ring, "loving the little girl inside her"?  Someone who struggled with your inability to hope for your dreams because he "hopes to offer you the perfect ring?"

And then, in less than an hour - with a prayer time with someone from the same community who was supposed to be FOR this relationship of yours, it's gone.  And the chance to stand up and actualy prove any of those wonderful things is missed...twice.  And the same pattern emerges.  You are left as the only one fighting for you heart, who believed all the wonderful things, who believed that what you'd dreamed about for so long was finally within reach.  You are left with a shattered heart anda confused faith because the same God you trusted was in the midst of your relationship, the same God your significant other reported having heard for you, is whose name was invokved to break up with you.  You trusted this time was different.  You trusted that you really worth all his fear like he'd told people you were.  You trusted that he actually meant what he said (as in, could ACT on it) when he told you all those wonderful things, that you really WERE precious, that you really were a delicate little flower, that he was listening to the words being spoken over your relationship, too.

But actually, after his roommate gets engaged - what sounds like the perfect surprise and the most beautiful, personal ring (it seems to express exactly what he thinks of her) - and after a wonderful trip to celebrate your writing, you are left sobbing in your room, without so much as an attempt to say good-night (even though he SAID he didn't want the relationship to end) and a cold e-mail about how he can't make decisions right now and space (for a week) is good.  You're left wondering if, when he is able to make decisions, he'll take back everything again.  You're left wondering how you could possibly trust him (or anyone else) who says such wonderful things and whose actions are starkly opposite.  You're left wondering why you trusted, why you believed, why you let your heart hope after it's been clobbered before.

You're left wondering if anyone will ever pursue you and know you the way you've longed painfully in your heart for.  You're left literally alone while everyone else cleans the kitchen, wondering if you're worth anyone's time or effort.  You're left writing an article on your blog through tears and sobs, wondering if your heart was simply made to be broken, afraid that if you post anything, it really will be the last straw, but having to get it out somehow since no one in real life ever comes after you.  You're left watching others have their dreams as rings appear on more and more fingers, as more and more girls are actually PROVEN to them that they are princesses, and you, even after asking for things you shouldn't have to ask for, for expressing longings you know in your heart should be offered willingly and with joy form someone who says wonderful things to you about marriage and a future and how beautiful and worth it you are to him.

You're left with a canonball in your chest and a week to decide if you should "pretend he never existed" or "give him a(nother) chance to be a good man."  If this can come so out of the blue, and if he doesn't seem to really try since "you'll never believe him anyways"...how can your little heart matter?

Working

I just have to say that I really hate that most any job I am qualified to get (honestly, that's mostly office work since that's the experience I have - and you can't get a job without experience, just like you can't get experience without a job) REQUIRE you to multi-task when ALL of the current brain and happiness studies are showing that it isn't healthy to do so.  It's not even really possible, they say, to do a good job on any of the tasks one is trying to do simultaneously, and the quality of work is inversely proportional to the amount of different things you're trying to do at once.

Why are all of the jobs out there soul-killing, "just get by" work?  It's not wonder we've coped by saying that "Who you are is not what you do."  That statement doesn't make any sense at all.  Who you are may not be what you are doing, but it is, or at least has a lot to do with what you do.  For example, we say "God is love."  But we can only say that in truth if God ACTS in a loving way.  God is love because God LOVES.  Who God is, in large part, is what God does. Divorcing the two makes the "who am I?" question profoundly more difficult to answer, and it's probably why we've got lead stories in magazines like "a Step-by-Step Guide to finding and fulfilling your life's purpose."  Really?  I'm sorry, but I'm going to call bullshit.  If it were that easy, people would have, among many, many othe reasons, figured it out a LONG time ago.

It's really too bad we've accepted the idea that "working" shouldn't always be fulfilling - it's just something you do "during the day" or "to make a living."  Why isn't the goal to make a LIFE?  And, why are REALLY ok with spending more time at a place we hate or doesn't fit with who we know we are than anywhere else in life?  That's sick, and it is REALLY discouraging since, at this point in our lovely capitalist society (where you have to even pay for WATER), most people need jobs.

(Sorry, this comes with my incredible frustration at having to "sell myself" when really, THEY are the ones that want to hire, THEY should be telling ME why I should chose to work for THEM and STILL constantly being turned down or away for jobs I don't even like but am OVER-qualified for in really rude, sometimes completely unacceptable ways.  I don't want to work for ANYONE anymore if this is how they treat people, even their "lowly" applicants).

Quote Collector

"I think the best thing we can do with genetic engineering is to change what owls say...from "who, who, who?" to "why? why? why?" - Mark

"Eating a potato is not going to give you a potato famine." - Friend from church

"The best practice for writing is writing." - Bill "Papa" Nagy, prof. and church elder

"I'm annoyed by your free will." - me (to Mark)

"I don't want you to grow any faster than your ability to know that you are loved." -Mark

"It's all fun and games till you realize you can't breathe." - Mark

"If you know who you are, you can go anywhere." - Flannery O'Connor

"Only when love abides at home can it happen in the world." - Mother Teresa

"There are usally two reasons why something is hard: either you're doing it wrong or you're trying to do something hard." - Papa Nagy

"If anything matters, then everything matters." - William P. Young

"You know, we don't talk enough about how much I love your poetry." - Mary Anne "Mama" Nagy, church elder, friend (to me)

"Stress is definitely over-rated." - Heidi Baker, Missionary to Mozambique

"A large majority of the general population severely lacks critical thinking skills.  That's why commercials work." - Maya Sprague, Christian counselor and teacher

"Every time my computer crashes and I lose everything - and this happens on a fairly regular basis - there is a little part of me that is slightly relieved." - Friend of a friend's

"What is your class - Math For the Environment - about?  Is it like, 'This is one tree and this is two trees?'" (Dad)  "And if we wait long enough there will be three trees!" (Mom) "And if we wait even longer there will be NO trees!" (brother).

"To live fully, be ready to die." - Karl Neils, my pastor

"You are all modern individuals.  There are problems with both of those categories." - Dr. Spina, prof. at SPU