A Moment's reflection: #2

Since the list from the previous post was SO good, I am going to take some more time to process it.  "#2" reads: When in doubt, just take the next small step."

Nothing in my life the last couple of weeks has seemed "small", but that was the exact advice my pastor has been giving me.  So, Friday evening a friend and I took down the posters off my wall and went through them, getting rid of ones I didn't want, and even going through a box I hadn't unpacked since I moved from Colorado two and a half years ago.  Cleaning out the past hurts, but, it's necessary to be present to the present and alive in the future.

Saturday I went through my notebooks and books and decided which ones I wanted to take to Europe with me.  I also gathered all of Mark's things from my room to give to one his roommates at church.  I went through the mail and gave one of my old roommates' mail to her, and the other's to her sister at church.  I burned all the CD's I had to my computer so I wouldn't have to keep the CDs.  I organized some music.  Today I will finish doing that and put things I want to listen to on my iPod.  Listening to music stings me with nostalgia but that's all the more reason to write about it.

Sunday, I went to church.  I cried.  I went out to lunch with friends.  (One of them offered me a living room furniture set for my new place when I get back.)  I cried again.  Most of my favorite people are going to be out of town for my going away party this Thursday - it's hard.  Both more roommates got wonderful parties.  I've also asked 25 people to write me letters - and have given them AMPLE time.  So far, I've got TEN.  And my mail begins being forwarded to my church on Friday.  I also had dinner with my pastors and talked with them until about 2:30 this morning (they go out of town tomorrow morning and won't be back until after I'm gone for the summer).  Being in relationship hurts, but it is also the only thing life is about.

Today, I made phone calls to organize my moving.  I brought my suitcase upstairs.  I fed my cat.  I continued filling (another) box for Good Will.  I contacted and confirmed the place I will be staying (a magical cottage with a lady and her two sons (and all their summer adventures!) on the Cliffs of Moore outside of Belfast - Southern Ireland).  I posted an ad on craigslist and at my school for a roommate (again).  I've actually already gotten one response.  We've been looking for quite a while, though.  Waiting kills me, but that's the whole point, isn't it?  Some things need to die so that I can truly live.

Today I also decided, because of an INCREDIBLE sermon yesterday, I am going to start wearing my cross necklace.  I have a beautiful purple amythest cross charm that I've never worn but have had hanging on my jewelry hangar since about 2000 (when I was confirmed and "baptized).  So, I went through my grandmother's (the one who died when I was 7) musty old jewelry box and found a chain to put it on.  In my cleaning out, I came across another amythest charm shaped like a heart that Nana (the only living grandparent I have left) gave me.  I put both charms on this gold chain I found.  My definition of family has been ripped wide open by the cross and recent events in the life of my curch), and I think this necklace composite: my dad's mom's gold chain from probably the 30's, the confirmation present I got before I really was a believer, and the purple heart from my mom's mom.  Family is a painful thing, but sometimes, that can be a really, really good thing.

Today I gave my pastors hugs and they gave me a beautiful (small) purple purse - something I'd been wanting for a long time.  A friend gave me another one which is good for big things, but I wanted a small one to have for Europe and they gave this to me this morning.  Today I will also say goodbye to a few other friends, my other "parents" (though my pastors "officially" adopted me - long story) this morning.  I will pack up my books.  I will decide if I want to get rid of the desk and the bookshelf I have so that I can have different/better ones later.  I haven't gotten rid of things like this before.  But this is the summer for that.  That is what this whole summer is about.

Oh, yes, and I'm going to pray.  A lot.  Every single step of the way will only be taken after I pray.