Deep thoughts @ 100 mph

I know people who long to love me.  My pastors have worked damn hard to.  My parents, I have to admit, did, too.  My grandparents I know did.  My grandmother - the last grandparent I have on this earth - still does.  So much.  My ex-boyfriend loves me still.  I know he longs to, too.  The people I've stayed with out here in Europe, in their own ways.  And this is healing to realize.  Hard to accept love when you reject yourself (for, WHY in the world would I accept such a person as I, right?).

But, who longs to know MY love?  That, I think, is even more healing than being loved.  Loving.  Not just feeling the desire to love another, but for that other to desire YOUR love.  So far, the only person that I can think that has expressed an explicit desire for this from me is God Himself.  And that, at least right now, is too hard to get my head around.

See, we don't want to admit that we want to be loved PARTICULARLY.  We want love, yes, but we - at least I - want it from particular people...not necessarily in particular ways.  I'm not taking about flattery.  I'm taking about being in tune with, recognizing, and celebrating by desireing the lavish, abundant, weighty, one-of-a-kind giftings He placed in each person uniquely.  Do I too partake of this definition of humannes?  The obvious answer is "Of course, Megan!"  The emotional answer is..."I plead the fifth."  The mental answer is "Yeah but...."  The spiritual answer is, probably, "What else do you think a person IS?"  (Do you think we are first bodies and then souls or do you think that there is something truer to our nature?  It would seem so since old age doesn't change who a person is: even someone with Alzheimer's.  The reason dementia is a "disease" (not-at-ease) is because the people that love that person know that the state they are rapidly deteriorating into is NOT WHO THEY 'REALLY' are).

So, wanting to be loved by particular people is not manipulation, neediness or immaturity, then.  It is actually a recognition of God's love for us through that person - since all the dreams God has for us NEVER just involved us, but are ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS for others, about others and ultimately about us all as an "us" (and an "I" no more).

(As a side note, would God waste such extravagence that goes into a person by allowing death to be the end?")