Gossamer Blossoming

Pray

Awaitingbloom — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:31:42 GMT

Most of my friends are engaged. Their men MEANT it when they said "I want to marry you." Or, they're recently married. And it appears that their husbands actually do understand the words "love, honor and cherish" because they really DO believe their wives are "precious." (I know, it's the sin of envy, but all I've ever gotten are inconsistent words, non-persistent/thorough actions lies and apologies...and I'm just weary).

Most of my homework remains undone. What good is knowledge without love - both experientially and vocationally? (Yes, I would say I'm still fairly 'new' to this Christian thing, I need to remember that in my studies of theology...).

Most of my spiritual healing/advancement comes slowly, in a one-step-forward-two-back way.

Sometimes, the only thing that works is really accurate words from God communicated in LOVE.

Sometimes, the only thing that works is when others embrace you in prayer.

Sometimes, the only thing that works is when your prof. cancels class twice in a row during the 3rd-to-last week before finals so you have time to get caught up on your short story contest, your Seminary applications, oh yeah, and your homework. Not that I like illness (esp. at my prof's age!), but wow I needed a break.

Sometimes, the only thing that works is when something actually happens when you pray.

Good Christians

Awaitingbloom — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:46:40 GMT

Prayer is a good thing, but not when it used as a way to avoid dealing with someone, for whom you're responsible, when they're upset.

Unity is good, but peace at the expense of justice is no peace at all.

Being a "Good Christian" at the expense of someone else, or what you've claimed to be a meaningful relationship in your life is doing the exact opposite of being a good Christian.

Being a "Good Christian" is not an excuse to be invokved when you've treated someone poorly/disregarded their pain (that YOU have caused).

You cannot disregard the woman you want to marry for another (single) woman in the church and give the reasoning, "Well, you (girl I want to marry) wouldn't want me to disregard the body (the church) would you?" Great way to make someone feel guilty for their personal needs and feelings, throw in a little church talk!

You cannot say you want to "rebuild trust" after joining hands with your fellower betrayer in prayer because "she's Christian, too" if you've mostly only ever used that reasoning to excuse your hurtful behavior in a relationship you SAY you want to "rebuild."

You don't get to point out where I'm being disrespectful when you're not addressing your own dishonoring behavior.

And you especially don't get to tell me that "Good Christian" bullshit when you've destroyed me (smashed me as they smash stones in the bible without so much as a 2nd thought to the PERSON - yes PERSON - you're doing that to) in the name of God.

THIS is why people are leaving the church. This is why people are rejecting the Christian God. THIS is why people are opting for just being "good people," because look what "good Christians" do, apparently. They abandon friendships and relationships in God's name (in other words, they remove all "distractions" from being closer to God because apparently PEOPLE are distractions), they disregard the hurt they've caused because "Good Christians" would do that in the name of "reconciliation, they pray 24/7 regardless of who's hurting around them, they praise God for "doing it all" without a second thought to how THEY might be responsible since it's "all God" anyway, they sing songs like "You give and take away" to theologize loss/evil to prove how responsible they don't have to be....the list goes on.

I said "they", but I am Christian, too. I claim to be good. At least, I claim to want to be good. And, I'm sick of what is being shown as examples of "Good Christians." I don't pretend to know how to fix it, I don't pretend I haven't done some of those things, and I'm disgusted with myself. I'm also disgusted that I've allowed myself and others to be treated horribly in the name of the God I claim to worship. I'm disgusted at my accomplice in all of this. Lord, have mercy...we do not know what we do.

Love

Awaitingbloom — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 18:26:37 GMT

It is not enough to "know" you screwed up. It is not enough to tell everyone about it to prove your contrition. Neither guilt nor shame nor contrition equal love. Neither does possessiveness, or territorial-ness. (Nor does taking pride in the fact that you can care for someone's basic needs the way they can care for themselves...). It is not enough to apologize or "want" to do better. It only matters if you actually DO better. Wants are invisible. It is action that changes - makes or break - a person's heart. It's not enough to talk about what you did wrong when talking (aka 'sentimental gush') without action is what is wrong in the first place:

From Phiippians..."So this is my prayer: That your love will florish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelingsso that your love is sincereand intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone invovled in th glory and praise of God."

How long, God, until You fulfill Your word to me?

The reason God, in the very beginning (Genesis), said God's self that "it is bad to be alone" (while God was standing RIGHT NEXT TO ADAM!!) is because there are things we cannot do for ourselves, things that we need others for:

From Ecclesiastes 4: 10-12..."If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is notquickly broken."

When, O Lord, will You make good on your promises to me?

"Love one another" appears SO many times in the Bible I lost count at 84. It's not this little idea - it is throughout the WHOLE bible..."The world will believe by the love you have for one another" (John 13:35): no wonder we have an unbelieving world...

A friend once gave me a reason for studying theology: "The world needs good theologians to protect it from bad ones." So, yeah, breaking up with someone in the name of God (for personal piety, for individual holiness, to "smash the idol") = BAD theology. "God gives and takes away" (especially the gifts God God's self gives!) = bad theology. (This is why Paul commands us to love INTELLIGENTLY!!!) In fact, God seems to care more about horizontal relationships (the relationships between one another) than God does with vertical ones (our relationship to God):

From Matthew 5:23..."Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, ²⁴leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift."

Will I ever, Father, not have to ask for everything little thing?

Dis-belief

Awaitingbloom — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:41:35 GMT

I have recently become fascinated with other religions. I'm Christian, but I wasn't four years ago - I was so not Christian, actually, that I sometimes still surprise myself by voluntarily getting out of bed on Sundays to go to church.

Despite how radical my shift appears at times to me - I'm studying God in school (theo-logy means exactly that) and reading the Bible for homework - there are also things I doubt that surprise me, too. Well, I guess not WHAT I doubt, but how strongly I doubt them. Life after death being the current thorn (or thorn bush...) in my side, I still struggle with the existence of other religions and how we Christians can claim we have the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Becuase, let's face it: saying that "all religions lead to the same place"/"all religions are true" isn't logically possibly (they contradict in vitally important places, but the fact that they contradict at all means they can't all be true at the same time); it's more of a reflection of the inflitration of Postmodernism (that is, "you can believe anything you want as long as you dont say it's "true" since we can't ever know the Truth if it's out there). More than that, though, it isn't even true to the Bible. Jesus claims not to HAVE the truth, but BE the truth, and the "only" way to the Father. All religions make exclusive claims on the truth so let's not get hung up on Jesus' "radical" statement. Truth, by definition, is exclusive. If everything is true, then nothing is, which is only important for people who are interested in Truth.

Not only that, but Christians can be real assholes to each other. It's no wonder that that main reason I hear for why people aren't Christian has something to do with the state of the church. The Book Christians claim to live by says "The world will know the truth by the love you have for ONE ANOTHER." Not "others" (though that is an important commandment). Not "outsiders" (though that's in there, too). EACH. OTHER. It's no surprise at all that the biggest reason for the rejection of the faith is the condition of the church (God's people, for whom the Bible was written).

(The above paragraph comes from an experience I just had: I sent an e-mail requesting an application for a part-time job at my university. I abbreviated application to app. because the job posting DID THE SAME THING. I got a response back saying, "I'm sorry, but I need someone who can spell correctly and pay attention to details. Your subect (yes, she spelled it wrong) line indicates to me that you don't yet possess the skills I need." Then, as part of her signature she's got a quote from the psalms about how great it is to love people. This made me want to drop out of my nice, prestigious private Christian University right now. I LOVE my classes, I love the profs I've had, and I've even started making friends, but this is INTOLERABLE. You cannot be a bitch and a hypocrite and then quote the Bible in the same breath. THAT is EXACTLY why people reject the faith, as well they should. Thanks so much.)

Theology Talk...or not

Awaitingbloom — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 18:24:49 GMT

Wow. So, if you don't want to get blamed for the world's religious problems, don't announce that you're a theology major.

I wish I were in grad school already...

Generating Life: Take Two

Awaitingbloom — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 09:57:54 GMT

So, this cartoon (provided by this great PNN article) is exactly what I was talking about in my previous post.

As a woman who is clearly still viewed by the larger society as a "Baby Maker", I am incensed. I am also wondering what the majority of people don't/can't/won't THINK? It actually makes no LOGICAL sense that men are better than women or that they only thing women are good for are babies.

I have nothing brillaint to say...all this talk of babies or no babies is really just about sexism. The fact that it's such a huge issue even goes to show just how undervalued women are in this society; like the only important choice a woman could ever make is whether to use her womb or not, and even that choice is being called into serious question. Sexism is clearly not dead. (No wonder good men are so prized these days....sexism is so weary-ing, and so hurtful an so stupid). I just don't understand how people can have such great capacity for such smallness, not just illustrated by sexism, but any "ism" - racism, ageism, classism, etc. What the hell, guys?

(Sorry, my rant is over. I'm still really jet-lagged and haven't been able to sleep much trying to get used to US time, and running around doing a whole bunch of stuff to get ready for, well, the onslaught of..."normal" life.) :-)

Generating Life

Awaitingbloom — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 08:27:51 GMT

So, the Bible gives the command to "fo forth and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it." Essentially, make lots of kids. And, since women is where babies come from, that seems to be the woman's job.

However, any man who views woman's highest calling - her primary "gift from the Father" - as generating life, that is, to get pregnant and give birth is, in my opinion not only cripplingly sexist but also missing out on WHY women were created in the first place.

First of all, marriage is not gauranteed to every woman and, although marriage does nt gaurantee the emotional safety and wholeness of children, it does show higher rates of happy, whole people...having babies out of wedlock complicates things. (I won't even get into the complications of childbirth - some women DIE (even today), and the fact that some women would be unfit mothers simply because they don't WANT kids, and my God is more compassionate than to entrust a precious life as a COMMANDMENT to a woman who would bear that "gift" as a burden, hurting both of them...).

Second, although God did say that we are to go make more babies, that was not His PRIMARY purpose for creating women. The way I read it, God created Eve because "no suitable helper (for Adam) could be found among the animals for Adam. The Greek word for "helper" is "ezer", which, essentially, means "irreplacable companion." So, men who think that women are for babies are not only offensive and wrong, but also missing God's greatest gift to him.

Son-burnt

Awaitingbloom — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 10:31:41 GMT

Forgiveness is not good news. It's not because you have to admit you're a "sinner" - which, actually, if you're "in Christ", you're NOT and that's God's word (and people driving around with bumper stickers that say "I'm not perfect, just forgiven" sort of miss the whole thing in the Bible about how, because of what God SAID in/through/with Jesus Christ, you actually ARE perfect..your view of yourself reveals one heck of a lot about your theology...). And it's not not good news because it's really freaking hard to do. It's not good news because if we're all "just" forgiven...well, everyone still dies. Forgiveness is not good news. It's necessary.

The good news is that, according to the Bible, Jesus is alive. And, if we are to talk The Apostle Paul's word for it, Jesus' death and resurrection is revelatory of God's plan for all of us.

So, actually, I can sort of understand this whole bit about "all religions having some truth to them" IN THE SENSE THAT (mostly) all of them say something about life beyond death. Now, it could be wishful thinking, it could be our way of coping with the loss of a loved one...it really could. But, if you think about how complicated life is, and how we've still not found anything like it on earth and how it really does look like the universe was designed (or "evolved" or "adapted" or whatever you want to call it) to support the life we have...well, it can't be as dark as "lights out" at the end of life. It's not really an emotional position, it's a philosophical one.

Jesus' light is that He beat the grave and He burned the rest of us with it. As in, though we die, so shall we live. Or something like that...

Twas grace

Awaitingbloom — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 18:40:12 GMT

God didn't have to create anything at all.

Those who have cancer probably don't deserve it, but who "deserves" anything at all? You could just as easily ask the question about people who are healthy. Those are healthy probably don't "deserve" to be, either (you know, people like Fidel Castro...). After all, we did not CHOOSE to be here.

And yet, here we are. God DID create.

Therefore, it's all grace. Everything you have is grace. Everything you DON'T have is also grace.

Grasping, therefore is arrogance. Even if it's out of fear.

God didn't have to create.

But He did. Regardless of what you believe about how (my question is more, as you might imagine, about WHY), even science confirms that the universe had to have a beginning and science, at least theoretical science, can't responsiblity say at this point (taking into account all the thousands of things that have to be exactly right for life to even exist at all), that life was random chance. Oh, and (also according to science) naturalism fails the coherence test: an effect cannot be greater than its cause. In the case of evolution, the “effect” (human intelligence) is exponentially greater than its supposed "cause" (monkeys, as the theory goes). Greater in that human beings can speak (and many are capable of many languages, in fact...). Monkeys, as far as I know, cannot.

(But, this is not about reasons to believe in God. For that, go here. This is about grace).

So. Grace. It's, as my pastor once said, the most liberating and the most devstating thing known to mankind. Not evolution. Not "I did it myself."

Grace.

Chose or chosen?

Awaitingbloom — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:06:07 GMT

Spiritual anguish is so hard.

I often wonder about free will.

I want the sweet release of knowing that in death, I do not really lose my loved ones - that makes me freer to love them as I know them on earth. Then, in the Day That Never Ends, I will not be able to help but love them right?

I mean, I know Christianity is a bit outlandish...but, to me, it's the only thing that adequately deals with the problem of death. And death really is a problem. It's a problem for those left behind, it's a problem for those who die (though probably not as big of a problem for us no matter what happens after: nonexistence is nothing to fear - except for its devastating impacts on this life - because you won't be able to experience nonexistence) but eternity overwhelms me, too. Like, what do we DO for eternity.

We love Jesus. Oh God, if You're real and Jesus is real (and I have no good reason to doubt anymore except for my feelings and this weird thing in my soul that wants to revolt, but I don't WANT it to be there! I don't want it at all!), please, rescue me. I want just to believe. I don't want to need all these reasons and answers anymore. It's killing me.

(My homesickness has now turned to Homesickness...).

Lord, help me.

Just a thought

Awaitingbloom — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 13:48:49 GMT

Self-acceptance is not the same as high self-esteem. Self-esteem, more than money, stuff or even relationships (especially romantic ones) is the god of today's world, even the "spiritual" world: new age spirituality is laced with harnessing the "god within"...not only is morality relative, but you are your own god and life is about getting what you want.

But true self acceptance is not about that. Even if you're not a Christian, you've got to admit that humanity cannot be the source of solutions for all (or at least most) of its problems. No, self acceptance is murdering (in cold blood if you have to) your pride (you know, that thing in you that does all it can to reject love) and taking the hand of Jesus.

Our Native Air

Awaitingbloom — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 22:04:54 GMT

It is no wonder God must breathe into us for us to wake.
   At His mercies, He plucks us out of the thick,
to wash away our sick and wearying.

In atmosphere so sin-soaked, the law is and is death.
   By His Word, our lungs balloon among mortality,
the beauties within us and that we are within – while surely enough for believing

   will be naught against a post-conspicuous world:
death now to strife and grieving.
   With His Wind, fully assured by the first apple as the second,

confusion, noise and near-sightedness no longer deluge
   down thirsting pipes decaying,
our native air no longer there as we accepts Christ’s paying.

Dearly Departed

Awaitingbloom — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 05:26:03 GMT

I am struggling with a deadly fixation, I think. Worrying about death drains life of its color, of its dancing, of its meaning. You'd think that the shortness of life would spur me on to greater things, but I continue to sit in m office, and hurt over the fact that "all people die." No one gets out alive.

And yet, my religion - or perhaps my relationship with God - tells me that people actually don't die. That those that have departed this earth - which is, apparently, the "first earth" - will be with us again. So, I will see Pop again. I will meet the grandfather that died before my brain was old enough to capture him...or will I? See, this man, my dad's dad, died a hard-nosed scientist and atheist.

It's not so much the "who's going to be at the Everlasting Banqueting Table" question I struggle with, it's the existence of such a table at all. I'm Christian and hopefully becoming more so every day. I pray for a repentant heart that breaks for the things God would have it break for, but this stark, impregnable belief won't quit. I wonder if there is an afterlife the way my Christian surroundings would have me believe - I sometimes want there to be: the comfort of seeing loved ones who have come and gone, the making-sense of this otherwise terribly cold and cruel world (like, if you think about it, death actually, although it is "the way it is" around here, does not make sense, with or without a loving God) - and I sometimes don't want there to be: I don't know what we'd DO for an eternity. Also, I am afraid of the whole not being forgiven for sins sort of thing and then having to suffer for the rest of my life. Of course, that depends on your doctrine of hell, but if there is no death, then it makes eternal suffering all the more possible. (Unless it is just no death for "believers" in which case, you're talking annihialationism, and I can't really reconcile that with a loving God, either...maybe).

Back to the sin thing. There are sins I persist in. Sometimes on accident - like not doing all the good I could be doing, not loving perfectly, etc. Then, there are things I know are wrong that I kee doing: acts of selfishness, immaturity, even lies (and for NO reason whatsoever sometimes, other than attention - right, I did mention I was immature). So, I'm not sure if the Bible addresses persistence in sin that you KNOW is wrong. Maybe it does. Maybe that is what healing is and I just don't the God if Abraham, Isaac and Jacob to be the Merciful one. But, after reading the Old Testament for a quarter, could you blame me?

The Debt of Christians

Awaitingbloom — Sun, 24 May 2009 20:54:41 GMT

I'm pretty sure that Christians owe the world. We need to take back our entitlement and admit that it's not from the Bible, but our twisted, self-serving version of it. We need to recant of our street-sign theology that smashes up other children of God and turn toward what God actually said to do. Instead of spewing hatred, we must either keep silent (for we are people, too and have a dark, persistant capacity to be wrong), or respond in love - because honestly, that's the only the Bible says. We must stop the violence as a conversionary tactic - heck, we must stop the conversionary tactics altogether; that's not evangelism, it's fear mongering.

We must be the first to admit when we sin and fall short. We must be the first to call upon our God. We must forgive as we are forgiven. We must be ever on our knees and always open to receive the work God woudl have us do. We must throw off this notion that we know best what others needs. We must listen first, respond - not react - second.

And really, what we should before we do all this, is apologize. Pushing our stuff on others is not, to me, "making disciples of all nations." Nor is fire-and-brimestone preaching.

Bible Studying

Awaitingbloom — Sat, 16 May 2009 21:24:36 GMT

My theology degree is the 5th horseman of The Apocalypse. I had questions about the faith upon a fresh conversion three summers ago, and this thing just swoops in here, spurs on its silver-tipped boots and grabs me by the neck as if suffocation is the only known remedy for The Seek. It's all, "I know what you're thinking, Little Missy! You're thinking that if you just pursue me you'll square away that pretty little head and nothing will be hard anymore. Yeah, I'm shiny and pretty like that. Muhahahaha."

It's not like I don't like it. I am fascinated by most of my classes. The profs are great. The work is challenging in a way that drags me off my I'm-just-here-to-prove-to-everyone-that-yes-indeed-one-of-my-shoes-is-better-than-both-of-yours high horse (pun intended). But...at a school where people come as Christians and go as agnostics, my shivering fig leaf of a faith in God doesn't measure up. It hardly has a chance.

To some, their "doctrine" classes are all "Religion As Crutch 101", their Scripture courses are formidable glass boxes and all their other offerings are laced with confusion - that is, Bible. I'm not complaining, of course, because I think it's a good thing to be tossed about and lifted up. It's purifying, even if it is like earthquake meets ancient-near-east Assyria.